3 Reasons Why We Don't Ask for Help

A common reaction after my burnout from those close to me was "why didn't you say anything". When reflecting on that question, it's actually hard to answer. Saying something is that I would have had to recognize a line was crossed in which I'm no longer in control. Saying something would mean that I know where I actually need help. Speaking up means someone is understanding and has enough empathy to step up and fulfill that need. Many factors have to be considered to answer that questions of why I didn't say anything, just like many others on this silent journey. 

Asking for help is not as easy as it sounds. Most people in burnout are high performers, care givers, people pleasers. They are used to being the one assisting others, lifting them to high spirits. So it is unusual behavior to actually ask for such support themselves. 

Based off HR observations over the last 16 years and leadership coaching, there are three main reasons why we don't ask for help. This is not an all-inclusive list but gives you a good idea where a majority of people struggle and how you can meet them halfway. 

1. It's how they've been trained. Yes we are talking all the way back to childhood days. If parents weren't around because of work or other reasons, this person was a kid fending for themselves at a young age. Phycologists call this 'turn-key' kids. They came home from school and knew how to get the house necessities done, food to eat, homework complete and were not usually emotionally supported. These experiences translate into adult behaviors. It is common to be independent self-starter and rewarded with promotions, impactful jobs and praise for 'taking on the challenging tasks.' Although such high performance should be recognized, it's important that these type of people who have weathered the storm on their own will hit rock bottom before they ask for help, if they ask for help at all. Observations of their behaviors, creating time for more trust-value type conversations will be important. It might not be the first couple conversations you have with them that they speak up. But eventually, when they feel it is safe, they will ask for support. 

2. There is no problem, yet. It's like watching a slow car crash. You observe someone working through their lunches, then skipping their routine gym visit, grabbing fast food on the way into the office, pumping extra caffeine in the afternoons. These small changes are subtle but when compounded are the perfect storm brewing burnout. They don't see a problem so there is no support needed. Yet if one was in-tune with their body and self-aware of their destructive habits, they could get ahead to correct before it becomes a problem. Proactive and healthy conflict to avoid the spiral down in which it is a long way to climb back up. Having a good support system to call you out on these poor behaviors or recognize when you are off is important. Explore finding your support tribe in whichever avenue that may be - work, hobbies, family, friends, neighbors, etc. Those core people will be able to recognize when you're off and help redirect to a better path sooner than later. 

3. Pity party parade. It's okay to have bad days. But if everyday is a bad day, you are sulking in it. You will not ask for help because 'that is the way life is' or 'the world is out to get me'. Based on all the different struggles I have heard in coaching and burnout workshops, I'll tell you no story is the same but themes are replicants of one another. There are those that are on the downward slump, see the direction they are headed and begin to take action against it. Then there are those who are on the downward slump, think that is the life they were dealt and continue down the black hole without looking up to see any helping hands that may be reaching out. The blinders are on and that means there is only one path it is headed with a horrible outcome.

It's important to recognize there is hope. Hope through others that have went through something similar. Their experience does not lessen yours but you may be able to learn a few tools or techniques from them to support yourself back up. Connect with them, read their books/blogs, join community groups and be part of a crowd that gets it. 

We don't have to struggle alone or silent. It's important to know who we are, where we come from in order to identify the behaviors that will trip us up later. It's not about weakness or failure. It's about building armor to weather the storms that may come. 

Check out more tools at: https://www.kbtrainingconnections.com/services